Oh baby...

Can you believe the beauty of this little girl? 

I can't.  No way.  I could stare at her for hours.  This post is mainly going to be about my baby girl.  I am so in love.  I think daily, "I have a baby."  I try to treasure and hold on to this because it goes so fast!  Sloan is 9 months.  She needs me.  She fits easily on my hip, and I hold her with one arm.  I still provide nourishment to her and she has yet to have an ounce of formula.  While putting her down during her morning nap, afternoon nap, and at bedtime, I get to hold her in my arms as she lies completely still.  It's part of her routine and it's the only time during the day that we truly get to snuggle.  As I pace the room with her head on my chest, her paci in mouth, and a blanket over her, I look in the mirror and see her little feet dangling out from beneath.  Oh how I love this.  Don't they say, it's all about the little things?  Oh baby girl, you melt my heart.

Now, let me get to the part that makes my heart hurt.  The part that I'm struggling with the most these days. Before Sloan joined us, I felt guilt.  On the way to the hospital on April 9, I could not discuss the fact that I was leaving my sweet boy.  The slight mention of it brought tears to my eyes.  Then, at 12:40 am, April 10, I held my sweet daughter.  I did not know this new life, this new little personality, but I loved her.  Our lives had changed so much, so fast.  Then Asher meets his new sister, I was in tears, but all was well.  He kissed her over and over and over.  He then quickly focused his attention on any snacks we had in the hospital room.  We brought Sloan home and all was still well!  He wanted to hold her all the time.  He set out diaper changing supplies without me even asking.  Such a sweet big brother.  He still loves to give her snacks and he was so good at sharing his toys.  

And boy can he make her laugh like no other.

Well, recently things have been changing.  It's gotten to the point where I hear Sloan fuss or start crying and I think, what did he do?  The other day he tried to tickle her neck but kind of choked her and left her screaming.  He's gotten so rough.  I'm having the hardest time feeling like all I do when Sloan is around is fuss at Asher.  I feel that the love that I show to her is so easy.  Even when she's doing something she shouldn't be doing, I speak to her in a sing song voice..."Sloan....what.... are.... you..... doing....?"  And often it's even said with a smile!  Babies are so easy to love.

Let's just say I take a different tone when talking to Asher.  It's not sing song and it's usually loud.  I try to give him positive attention any chance that I can.  He loves Sloan.  He will tell you that in an instant.  So I guess I'm just having trouble understanding why he chooses to make her mad, lay on her, poke her, take things from her, repeatedly close doors on her or in her face even though he knows it always leaves her upset.  I get so frustrated and I feel like a horrible mom at times.  I welcome advice.  I don't see his actions as cruel.  I think they are to be expected.  I just want to know the best way to deal with them.  Is there something that I can do to make him think before acting?  I know he doesn't understand her frailty as he coaxes her to follow him up the stairs.  I just feel like my love for them is so different right now: To her, I am still her provider, nurturer, protector.  To him, I provide, I mold, I teach, I discipline.  From a mother who feels loves equally but differently, can anyone relate?